Mommy Anxiety

I was up until the wee hours of the night/morning last night finishing Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks. It's really my fault, I should know better than to start a book by Nicholas Sparks and expect to be able to put it down. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. However, if you are looking for a book to read, may I recommend Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks? Or really, anything by him?

So the real purpose of this blog post is to share the tremendous level of anxiety I have. Maybe it's not normal, or maybe it is soooo normal that everyone reading this will be like "Well Duh!"

As usual, last night when I was finally finished with my book I went to the kids' bedroom(s) to make sure they were okay. I stand there with my hand on their chest until I feel it rise and fall. Sometimes I accidentally wake them up, but if I don't do this I cannot go to sleep. Often I will do it and then hop into bed only to pull myself out of it a few minutes later to do it again. If I wake up at night with a start, I get out of bed and do it again. And then first thing in the morning I go in. I should also admit that last night I went in there 2 other times before bedtime. The first time they were awake, the second time they were not, the third time they were also fine.

So the book had some twists in it that kind of freaked me out. This happens extra easily (especially at night). I become uncomfortable in my house, rushing from darkened room to the safety of my bedroom after checking the locks on the doors. Perhaps I'm OCD but I really think its good ole-fashion anxiety.

As I lay down to sleep, my mind is running a million miles a minute. I start worrying about John and Grace while they are at their dad's and I suggest to myself that I text him in the morning to let me know when he's arrived (he has a play date scheduled tonight in Merrillville/Crown Point), then I go the extra step thinking well maybe he can text me and let me know when they get up in the morning. These thoughts are racing through my head and mentally I suggest ways to soothe my anxious nerves to alleviate the tightness in my chest. The fear/anxiety causes me the tightness to be there.

My fear/anxiety is not without cause. My mom had a son (who would obviously have been my brother) who died at the age of 3 from pneumonia. I cannot even fathom how she went on. Even though I wasn't even born until JJ had passed away, but I live with the fear of something happening to my kids. John currently has a cough and while it's not so much I feel a dr. is necessary it still worries me. I know my mom still checked to see if I was breathing until I was a teenager (and perhaps an adult too J). Then my Dad died in November of 2009. From pneumonia. This has exacerbated my anxiety. Shortly after he passed John got RSV and had to be on breathing treatments every 4 hours for weeks. It was an exhausting (and scary) time, but we got through it, but every night John slept next to me. I know I wouldn't have been able to sleep without him there. John gets a cough more often than the other girls and has been put on breathing treatments a couple times a year. Every time, I worry, but I worry anyway so it's just an elevation of my regular worry.

Now maybe at this point you think I'm crazy… and if you are a friend of mine, you may already know this J, but I really wanted to get these words out, so much so that even though I was exhausted at 12:30 AM I had to stop myself from getting up then to write this blog post. Sometimes the best thing for anxiety is talking it out and other times it's pills. I don't want to take pills for something I know I can control. And so what if I check my kids 3 – 4 times a night, my kids know that I love them and I know they love me (even if I'm crazy).