Thursday, June 23, 2011

Duhduh...duhduh... (Jaws Theme)

So this upcoming Fall semester I am taking Communication 114. Or Speech class. And I’m dreading it. Occasionally, I will start thinking about it and wonder how I will do. You’d think, considering how much I love to talk, that it would be a cinch, but I abhor public speaking.

I get shaky and sweaty (two of my favorite things - *roll of eyes*) and I feel my voice shaking. It’s always been that way… with the exception of the last talk I gave at a Realtor meeting after I had given my notice when I worked at Chicago Title. That is the only time that I can remember feeling comfortable in front of a group of people. And I found it ironic, I found that comfort when I was leaving… or maybe it was because I was leaving that it made it easy for me.

So today as I was getting around, I start thinking…wondering…slightly stressing… about what speeches I will be forced to make in front of a class of 18 – 19 year olds.

And, what worries me the most is my penchant for going off on tangents.

Exhibit A: ABC Workshop May 7, 2011. Spent the night before planning out our activities, what I would say, where I would break, when Candice would speak, yadda yadda yadda. Then what did I do? I did not use any of my notes and just free-balled it. Yes I just wrote free-balled.

Anywho, that’s all fine and dandy for workshops because I’m speaking from my heart and about something I’m extremely passionate about and I’m surrounded by people who share that passion… and I don’t have a stopwatch timing me like I will in speech class.

I remember in speech class in 10th or 11th grade I had to do a newscast including weather, sports etc. I went so over the time I was told I could just stop. Talk about mortifying. I feel embarrassed even sharing that, but it perhaps explains my worry.

So back to earlier today as I’m straightening my fabulous blonde hair, I think, well what if I have to introduce myself? What would I say?

Fake Speech (running through my mind):

“Hi there, my name is Cari Adams and I’m 33 or 34, or perhaps by now even 35. I’m a mom of twins + 1, a fiancĂ©, a sophomore, a Realtor, an office manager and a co-founder of a non-profit organization called Anti-Bullying Coalition. I’m opinionated, bordering on obnoxious and am always rushing somewhere. I have 3 delightful doggies and 4 ornery kitties that all neurotically love my fiancĂ©. I love to laugh, am obsessed with Facebook and squeal every time I see Usher. I adore Ellen DeGeneres and everything she stands for and one day we will meet and become BFF’s.”

How long would that take? How many extra sentences would I throw in there?

So probably when you first started reading this, you thought Isn’t it summer? Doesn’t she have 2 - 3 months before stressing about her fall classes? And yes, you are right. I’m thinking maybe I just have to have something to worry about…. And this is what was convenient today. I don't choose it, they just come to me :).

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Missing You

I’m letting you know I’m emotional. So if you continue, you were warned.

Today, we lost our cat, Esme…. A beautiful little calico kitten we took in a year ago the week before we left for Disney World. Esme was an incredibly shy cat and we jokingly said we counted her as a ½ cat because we rarely saw her. She bonded with our black and white kitty, Diamond, who treated her like she was hers. They laid together, bathed each other, slept together. She was sister to our sassafrass kitten, Candys, and possibly the daughter of our fixed (but maybe too late) cat Cullen (aka Big Boy). She was a good girl and will be missed.

Waking up and peering out our large picture window in horror and sadness was not my ideal way to start a morning. My eyes filled with tears seeing the precious kitty on the road and I immediately woke up David with, “Esme is dead!”

I felt so guilty, because I think, "Did I hear her meowing outside my window last night?" I can't remember. Usually she does when she wants in, as does Candys, and I often get out of bed to let one or the other in. I can't remember, but that doesn't stop the guilt.

I was prone to tears for most of the morning, had a busy afternoon and early evening and on our way home, I felt the tears well up again.

It started out because of Esme, but morphed into tears for my father.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day and while I’m so thankful for my Dad, Steve, I also am saddened as I miss my Dad, Charlie.

I think of him often, nearly every day, and I wish I could turn back those hands of time and appreciated the time I had with him more.

As I was loading up posts for Father's Day on ABC, I scheduled to post the song "In Pictures" by Alabama, which is the song my Dad said made him think of me. I couldn't listen to it today when I scheduled it. I found the video on YouTube and immediately muted. I think of coming back from telling my brother our Dad was dead and putting the song in the CD player. Tears came pouring out and my mom turned it off, as it was just too emotional for me.

I think of the last time I spoke with him, when I rushed off the phone because I had 100's of things to do. It is one of my big regrets and there is nothing I can ever do to take it back.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ll miss a person, until they are gone. Then there is nothing you can do.

I feel I need to carry this with me, the remembering to appreciate rather than rush, and as I type this I know I have that best intention and then within a day or two, I’ll be rushing along my way and not taking the time to stop, enjoy and appreciate.

New Daily Mantra: SEA—Stop.Enjoy.Appreciate.

I can only hope I will be better at SEA-ing.

RIP Charles D. Holmes and Esme.... You are missed!